im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
