I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
