I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
