you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She bit a glass in half.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
