ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
