Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
