So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
