I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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