my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
