Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
