last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
