I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have feelings that need drinking.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
