just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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