oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
