your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
