Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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