Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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