Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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