I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
