you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm too high and old for this...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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