how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
