After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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