census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
