Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
