If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
