I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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