My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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