my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you didnt know i had herpes?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize