i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
