drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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