dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
