I met the friendliest cop last night
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
