I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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