he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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