you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
