Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
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