so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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