God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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