sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
