I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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