I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
