pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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