i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
