Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
