I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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