i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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