you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
