Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
