She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.