You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven