i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
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All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.