and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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