Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
