I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
