You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
did i just pee glitter
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
