Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
sarcasm needs its own font
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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