He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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