I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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