i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
